Lilies Read online

  Back to why my life is almost perfect. I have the coolest dog, Trixie, but I call her Trix. She’s a Black lab and easily the best dog ever. She’s the best friend a girl could ask for, well, along with Brooklyn, of course. Trix, Brooklyn, her Black Lab Bella (who is actually Trix’s sister) and I occupy the top floor of the coolest warehouse lofts in Lambs Crossing, Ohio. Lambs Crossing is a college town really but we have an incredible shopping district, night life (that doesn’t involved only college students) and a river that runs on the edge of our sweet town. The town works hard to keep it up and there are tons of awesome things to do around the river. Our loft sits at the river’s edge next to the running path. We also have one of the best hospitals in the nation. University Hospital is part of Rockstein University. It sits on the other side of campus. It’s really a great place to live.

  After our sophomore year of college, my dad bought several rundown warehouses a couple of miles away from campus and renovated them into upscale living. The top floors are split into two large lofts while the other four floors are split into three separate lofts. B and I shared one until a few years ago. The couple across the hall moved out, after buying a house in the suburbs. We talked my dad into letting us occupy the entire top floor. You have to have an access code to even enter our floor. While we were ready to be on our own with our own space, we still didn’t want to be far from each other. It was the perfect situation. Plus, ridiculously low rent doesn’t hurt anything, either.

  Our lofts are the kind you wait a lifetime to move into because rarely does anyone leave. Each loft has a private balcony, is well soundproofed, underground secured parking with a 24-hour parking attendant and half the rooftop is a shared sundeck. Only half because a quarter of the other half is set for necessary rooftop equipment and the other three-quarters of the second half is a private sundeck for the two top floor lofts to share. Not to mention the inside is fully upgraded. I know, I know, enough bragging on my incredible loft, right? I know it sounds like I’m completely spoiled getting to live in a loft like this but I’m not. Brooklyn and I actually worked our butts off to earn the privilege to live here. We worked every free moment we had, not spent on legitimate school related activities to help renovate the warehouses. Dad doesn’t believe in having something handed to you. He believes in the saying,“Something is worth more when you work for it.”Frankly, B and I heard it so much over the years we would roll our eyes and finish the statement for him most of the time. Though, we fully believe in it, it is just fun to give my dad a hard time.

  Let’s get back to the present and the reason your reading. Alright, so you remember I said my life was almost perfect? Here’s when my world shifted on its axis. The moment in time I could truly say my simple, boring and routine but happy life ended.

  I left my office and headed to the conference with the latest article sent by the developers of the conference. Bag on my shoulder, reading the article and balancing a cup of coffee in hand, I thought I probably shouldn’t be reading and walking at the same time. Why didn’t I listen? I probably could have avoided the next series of events that sent my almost perfect life into pure chaos.

  As I rounded the corner, my past smacked me in the chest, literally.“Fu...uh, sh...uh, sorry!”I bent down to pick up the papers that flew from my hands and the coffee that had now spilled all over the floor.

  “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have been reading and wa…”was all I was able to say before being stopped in my tracks by thoseeyes. Those pure bluish-gray eyes I could look into for hours, once upon a time. Those eyes that starred in every fantasy I’ve ever had. Those eyes that held my heart and soul and never knew they did. The same eyes that ripped my heart out the day they turned black and walked away from me so many years ago.

  “Gavin?”I felt the blood drain from my head.“Hayden?”Gavin said breathlessly at the same time.

  I wanted to ask him what he’s doing here. I wanted to kick him in the balls. I wanted to pretend I didn’t know him at all. Before I could Gavin reaches up and grabs me with a hand on each side of my face and kisses me. HE KISSED ME! WHAT? A searing kiss that made me want to rip my clothes off right then and let him do all the things I’d fantasize about him doing for 15 years. Instead, I froze in place letting him kiss me. Kiss me like I always dreamed he would. Gavin’s lips lightly brushed over mine at first like he was savoring the moment. Sweet tender brushes of his lips before a fire lit. I could hear his quick intake of breath as his lips pressed against mine. His tongue passionately caressing mine. I couldn’t help but get lost in him. Pulling back he lightly bit my lip. I couldn’t stop the contented sigh that escaped my lips as he continued to dominate my mouth. Gavin Hudson the one I’ve wanted forever was kissing me. Kissing me like I was the only person in the world. It wasn’t until someone whistled that the reality of where we were and WHO was kissing me came back. Pulling out of his grip and grabbing my bag I stuttered out,“Oh…I…I…uh…I have to go.”

  As I ran off fighting the tears that threaten to fall, I could hear him calling after me to wait. I couldn’t wait. I had to get out of there. I knew I would break and not recover this time, if I stayed.

  I did the only thing I could think to do. I raced to Brooklyn’s office. Please don’t be in conference yet, ran on a continuous loop in my head the whole way. Bursting through the door, I was relieved not to find a student sitting on the opposite side of my best friend’s desk. I slammed the door and fell into the chair.

  “Please make yourself comfortable”Brooklyn snipes sarcastically as she turn from the computer to see who barged into her office so rudely. One look at my face and a panic rose on hers.“Hayden, what’s going on? What happened? Are you sick? Do I need to call Campus Police?”

  With a wave of my hand, I waved her off while taking several deep breaths trying to compose myself.“Yes, call Campus Police, please.Let’s get him kicked out of here.”I tell her as my mind raced. “Wait no, no, nothing like that. I just don’t know what to think. I..I saw a ghost. Not a real ghost, of course, but a ghost from my past. Can I have someone arrested for kissing me?”I look up at her questioningly?“Damn that kiss.” I mutter to myself as my fingers tips touch my lips while I struggle to make sense of the emotions, emotions I didn’t know I had flood my system. I haven’t seen that man in 15 years; 15 long years. Once, I knew him as my best friend. Once, I knew him as the boy I was secretly in love with. Once, he was my everything. And once, his betrayal ran soul-crushing deep. The kind of soul-crushing a girl never quite gets over. To this moment my heart still aches at the thought of that man.

  “Quite the theatrics, H. Wanna fill me in on what’s going on?”

  “It’s him. He’s here.”

  Annoyance is starting to rise in Brooklyn’s tone,“Oh really H, come on, I’ve got a long day and am not in the mood for riddles. If you’re still trying to talk me into going with you it won’t work. I can’t-“

  “B! Stop!”I interrupted her.“It’s HIM! MY PAST! HE’S HERE!”

  Brooklyn’s eyes widen as understanding set in.“Wow, so not the theatrics, huh?”

  “Uh, no B, you think?”I said with a heavy sigh and eye roll.

  “First, H you need to get a hold of yourself you look as if you’re gonna faint. Second, details now.”

  Shit, I didn’t think this through. She’s going to want details. I will have to finally tell her the whole story. I don’t want to tell anyone the whole story. Mostly, because I don’t really know what happened. Also, I really don’t want to relive it. Instead I try to distract her.“I thought you had students all day?”

  “I do, but the first cancelled so you have 30 minutes to spill it.”

  I relayed the events of what happened from the time I walked out of my office heading to the conference until I busted into Brooklyn’s office with surprising ease.

  Brooklyn sighed,“That’s pretty heavy? Do you have any idea what he’s doing here? He just kissed you?”

  “No, not a clue and hopefully, I never wi
ll. I can’t see him again. I can’t go back there and seeing him again will take me back there.”Panic rising in my voice; a panic Brooklyn had never heard from me.

  “H, was it really that bad? Are you finally going to tell me what happened? Why you’ve been hung up on this guy and kept it locked away for so long. Why you avoid relationships. It’s gotta have something to do with him.”

  “First, I do not avoid relationships. I just haven’t found anyone that peaks my interest.”Which is a total damn lie but I’m not about to admit it out loud.“Second, B, I don’t know if I can. Shutting all the feeling away from back then keeps me from crumbling.”

  “But avoiding them has stopped you from living, H,”Brooklyn said sincerely.

  “No they haven’t. I have a very good life,”How could one statement suddenly make me question everything?

  “Do you really think that B?”Just as I asked there was a knock at the door. Brooklyn looked at the door and shouted,“Just a minute”before turning back to me.

  “Look, there is my student and you are now 30 minutes late to your conference. I’ll meet you at the lofts after my last conference with a bottle of wine and take-out and you willtell me everything, tonight.”

  “You better bring two if you expect everything.”I started to rise from my seat to leave. Reaching the door I turned back feeling sad and suddenly tired,“And you better clear your schedule tonight and tomorrow. Cause if you open that box you better be there to help mop up the mess that’s going to spill out.”

  CHAPTER 3

  Gavin

  You know that feeling of watching your life happen, kinda like an out of body experience? I’m having one right now. I’m so damn dazed watching as Hayden runs from me. All I could do is call out to her to‘wait’. Did I really expect her to after the way I treated her so many years ago? I’m actually surprised she didn’t punch me the moment I touched her. She used to be a real spitfire. She could hold her own, for a girl. Well, that’s the statement that used to earn me a shot to the gut when we were younger. She hated to be told girls weren’t as tough as boys. Hell, we all use to call her Deni because she got in her head as a little kid she was supposed tobe a boy. Her emerald eyes that used to sparkle like a precious gem stone every time they looked my way died, turning flat and lifeless with the careless fire I spit at her that day. I saw that sparkle for a brief moment. It was there the moment right before our lips touched. I saw it as I leaned in. I could feel her breath on my lips. Damn, it’s been so long since I felt that breath teasing my body. Ok, so those are details for later. But the devastated look on her beautiful face as she recoiled from my words cut almost as deep into my soul as the shattered look her eyes held that day over 15 years ago. The day over 15 years ago I fucked everything up. If only I’d put trust into something real instead of my own damn bruised pride; a pride that was bruised over lies. How could I let someone in my head and allow them to be so consuming that I threw everything away? If I hadn’t maybe I could’ve avoided years of bad choices.

  No way! No way was that Hayden Sanders. Did I really just kiss the hell out of Hayden Sanders? After all these years of wondering where she is and what happened to her the first thing I do is kiss her? My thoughts are seriously racing. Smooth Gavin. Real fucking smooth. I muttered to myself as I stood there lost on the campus where I was supposed to check in 30 minutes prior. See Jeff and I are the two main speakers at a conference on dealing with the increase of student accidents. Anyway, there has been a major increase in students consuming large amounts of alcohol and either getting alcohol poisoning or into some kind of accident over the last three years. We are here with a panel of other doctors from the hospital hoping to increase the awareness and reduce the number of injuries. Sadly, some of these injuries have been fatal.

  Pulling out my phone I dialed the number of the person I know will understand everything.

  “Man, where the hell are you? You’re already 30 minutes late.”Jeff’s not much of a greeting kinda guy. He’s more of a I’ll-kick-your-ass-first-then-ask-questions kinda guy. It works.

  “I’m fucking lost on this damn campus and you will never fucking believe who I just ran into, literally.”

  “Well, I’d say there is only one person that can make you cuss like a sailor but she’s an enigma.”

  “Yeah, well, not so much anymore. She’s here and I just smacked into her trying to find my way to you. I’m lost in this fucking place. Why is this campus so fucking big? And with so damn many hallways.”

  “Ok first, you’re gonna have to get that mouth of yours under control. I highly doubt anyone will be please with you cussing like that during the conference. Second-“

  “I kissed her,” I said in a rush, interrupting Jeff and then the phone went silent.“Fuck! Jeff, are you there?”

  “Yeah, man. We must have a bad connection, because I swear you just said you kissed her?”Jeff asked cautiously, almost too cautiously for my comfort. Almost makes me think he’s not as surprised to hear I ran into Hayden. Nonetheless, I’ll deal with that later.

  Sighing, hanging my head low,“You heard right.”

  Resigned, Jeff let out a breath,“Tell me where you are and I’ll have someone find you and get you here,”the sincere concern evident in his voice. Again, this is a bit unsettling. Not that my friend is concerned about what I’ve just told him, because let’s face it, he knows everything, but there’s a resignation to his voice like he’s not telling me something. Again, that’s something I figured I’d deal with later.

  Jeff, Hayden and I grew up together. We were together all the time. Dorky, I know, but we were the three musketeers. Jeff’s been through it all. He’s the one that dealt with my anger, frustration and pissy moods after everything went down. He’s backed me in more fights than I care to remember after I lost her. He’s also the one who spent many nights over the years watching me pine for her and helped me search for her. So now I’m sounding girly, but he’s the one who kept picking me up each time I tried to self-destruct after losing her. Took him a couple of years but he got my head out of my ass and made me make something of myself.

  The guy I was around Hayden was the real me, but was completely different than the guy I was away from her. That guy left when I shoved Hayden out of my life. Around Hayden you couldn’t help but be happy. She was funny, sweet, loving and loyal. See, Hayden and I didn’t run in the same crowd. She was friends with everyone, almost. She was a cheerleader and well-liked by all, well most. My on-again off-again girlfriend, Kat, didn’t like her. I think she was jealous. Jeff, Kat and I weren’t exactly in the“in”crowd. We were more of the let’s-get-in-trouble-and-raise-hell crowd. We drank, we smoked weed, we ditched school and really anything we weren’t supposed to be doing, we did. But when I was with Hayden, I was a perfect angel. I stayed out of trouble and did the right thing. Frankly, she’d had my balls if I ever got her in trouble. She was a bit of agoodie-goodie, she was just sweet; innocent. She didn’t care that I ran with a different crowd she just liked me for me. Other than Jeff, she was the only one who never expected anything from me.

  One night at the beginning of our senior year of high school, I was drunk and looking for a fight, as usual. It really didn’t matter who I fought I just wanted to fight, fighting dulled the pain. Unfortunately for Jeff, that night it would be him. I had drunk way too much, again, and was into it, again, with Kat. Hell Kat and I did four things: drank, had sex, got into trouble and fought, usually, in that order. Fuck, she was a real bitch. Like psycho bitch. Jeff asked me why I still gave her the time of day especially after all she had done to fuck up my life. Like any other 18 year old kid I couldn’t see the truth. I was more interested in getting some ass and escaping the hurt and loneliness I felt over the whole situation with Hayden.

  Nonetheless, I acted like an asshole to one of the few people that always stood by me. We exchanged some words and some blows. When it was over he told me there was no way a girl like Hayden would ever be with a drunken asshole like me i
f I didn’t get my shit together. Then he did the one thing guys are not supposed to do. He drug my ass home and sat there with me bleeding and crying for the rest of the night. Yes, I said crying. I’ve only cried twice in my life and Jeff has witnessed both. The first was the night I shattered Hayden and the second, well I just told you the second.I didn’t even cry each time my dad was deployed.So by the end of our senior year I cleaned up my shit. Jeff and I were accepted to the same college then medical school. I started searching for her my senior year of college just after being accepted into medical school. I figured by that point I was making something of myself, making myself someone she could be proud of. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to convince her I could be the guy she thought I was two nights before I ruined everything, I just didn’t realize how hard it would be to find her. She had all but vanished, though I thought I saw her everywhere. Notice how earlier Jeff called her an enigma? This is why.

  Back to the present, with the help of Campus Police, I finally arrived to the check-in 45 minutes late. I stood drinking a cup of coffee discussing the schedule of the conference when I spotted her, again. Hearing my quick intake of breath Jeff looked up to find my gaze fixed into the crowd. Walking across the opposite side of the reception area was Hayden. She was talking to another woman, now with a fresh cup of coffee in hand, looking over what was clearly a conference packet. Jeff stiffened slightly. At the time, I thought it was because the one person that could bring me, Dr. Gavin Hudson, to my knees was 50 yards away. Standing with my gaze fixed on her every move Jeff asked,“Gav, any idea what she is doing here?”